The Modern Pygmalion

Time for the oldschool game- ask me any question you want. One question limit, no holds barred. You can either comment (anonymously or with your account) or message me if you want privacy.

For fun (and something to do tonight), I've decided to go oldschool political asshole- I'm going to liveblog. And I'm not going to liveblog CSPAN or something like that- today, I'm going to liveblog Twilight, the seemingly canonical LJ movie about vampires that "sparkle" and horseshit.

First, some notes. I have not read the books. I have seen some of the book, but I have not read through all of them. I may in the future, but for now, you can presume me a Twilight Virgin. That being said, I'm a published writer who has done movie, book, and gaming critique for over five years- I know my shit. I'm also a huge Anne Rice fan, and there's a geeky part of me that loves Vampire: The Masquerade. Still, I will probably piss you off (I'm guessing there's a 95% chance I will hate this movie)- so brace yourself to be pissed off.

Also, I'll try to prefix every addition (as in, every new addition to this post) with a timestamp from the movie, a timestamp of right now, and my comments. Let's see how this goes. I may cut some of this later to not friendslist spam.

( All my Comments )


So there you have it. I didn't absolutely claw my eyes out over it, but I certainly will not be watching THAT again.

Revised after just about a year of work. Yes, I expect you to post angrily defending your fashion sense. This is my taste (and expertise), not yours.

Clothing
- If it does not fit you, you should never wear it.
- Dress to fit your body. Keep that body fit. That way, you will always dress your best.
- Showing curves and femininity is sexy. Showing ten inches worth of wonderbra'd cleavage is not.
- The 60s were fashionable. The 70s were less so. The 80s were an abomination. Do not dress like you came out of the 80s.
- Empire waist dresses of any kind are outplayed. Stop wearing them so much, we know you are hiding your stomach.
- Skinny jeans on skinny girls are cute. Skinny jeans you force yourself in are bulgy and disgusting.
- The wrong sized bra will fuck up an entire wardrobe.
- UGG Boots of any variation, brand or not, are horrible.
- Bikinis are not meant to be worn everyday.
- Wear color, but do it carefully. Don't wear all black. Don't look like a fucking clown.
- As a general rule, anything from Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Hollister, and similar brands is going to be tasteless. There are exceptions. But very few.
- Hoodies should rarely, if ever, be worn.
- Sweatpants/sweatshirts are for lazy days where no-one sees you. The same applies to sleepwear.
- Sandals are to rarely be worn. Womens footwear is a huge, wonderful, expansive industry. Do not limit yourself to the tackiest section of them.
- Visible Pantyline is disgusting.
- Ballet Flats are outplayed.
- Hipster/Scene/Goth/Punk/Emo/Geek subcultures are never ever fashionable. And I mean ever.
Accessories
- Vera Bradley is uninteresting and outplayed.
- Sunglasses should fit your face, regardless of style. Be wary of huge plastic glasses.
- This goes without saying, but most designer handbags are tacky. Especially LV and House of Chanel.
- Small, classy necklaces are always superior to huge, gaudy stone necklaces.
- Keffiehs are verboten.
- Glasses can be sexy. Don't obsess over getting contacts.
- No, piercings are not "fashionable". Nor are gauges, tattoos, or that sort of shit. Trust me.
- Playboy Bunny logo ANYTHING is trashy. Like the magazine.
Makeup/Grooming
- Makeup is a good, life-saving thing when done right.
- Do not dye your hair blond. Please.
- Do not give yourself a fake tan.
- Keep your hair clean. Do not pull it back into a nasty ponytail.
- The only hair you should have should be above your neck, unless you keep it neat and out of the way.
- Fingernails should be groomed, be they short, long, painted, or not.
- Keep your teeth nice. Please.

I'll probably continue to edit/work this as I go on- this is a "rough draft", I suppose. Comments?

I'm a paranoid bastard, so this blog is friends only. Comment and I will add you in return- and no, I won't make you answer a battery of questions. Just ask and ye shall receive.